Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"? Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken over there ... I'm gonna eat the first thing that comes out if its butt"? Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse? If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup? If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose? Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to? Aren't all generalizations false? Can atheists get insurance for acts of God? Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime? Can I get arrested for running into a Fire House yelling Movie! Movie!?     How can you tell when your out of invisible ink? Why is there an eject button on the VCR remote? (You still have to get up to get to the tape) Could someone ever get addicted to counseling? (If so, could you treat them) Did the early settlers ever go on a camping trip? Does the Postmaster General need a stamp of approval? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another? How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him? How come you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead or dying? How do you know when yogurt goes bad? How do you know when you're out of invisible ink? How does a shelf salesman keep his store from looking empty? How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings? How is it possible to have a civil war?    If a synchronized swimmer drowns, does her partner also have to drown? If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working? If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow? If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? How many people thought of the Post-It note before it was invented but just didn't have anything to jot it down on? If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors? If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away? If a bus station is where a bus stops, and a train station is where a train stops, why do I have a work station on my desk? If a cat always lands on its feet, and buttered bread always lands butter side down, what would happen if you tied buttered bread on top of a cat? If a chronic liar tells you he is a chronic liar do you believe him? If a dog sweats through his tongue, why does he have armpits? If a jogger runs a the speed of sound can he still hear his walkman? If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound? If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it? If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be? If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why does he keep doing it? If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan? If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress? I f quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"? If soap is used to make you clean, why does it leave a scum? If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with? If superglue is so good, why doesn't it stick to the inside of the tube? If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why's it still #2?    If you can read the marking, isn't that end already up? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of, and have one left over, what do you call it? If you have your finger touching the rearview mirror that says -- "objects in mirror are closer than they appear", how can that be possible? If you keep trying to prove Murphy's Law, will something keep going wrong? If you spend your day doing nothing, how do you know when you're done? If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record? If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? Is it progress if a cannibal learns to eat with a fork? Isn't hot water already hot? Isn't it a little scary that a doctors work is called practice? Just before someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach? Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims? Should vegetarians eat animal crackers? Shouldn't it be called a "near hit"? What color is a chameleon on a mirror? What did we do before the Law of Gravity was passed? What do sheep count when they can't sleep? What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man? What happens if you get scared half to death twice? What happens when you call a 1-800 number collect? What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free? What was the best thing before sliced bread? What's another word for synonym? When vultures are on their deathbed, are they ever tempted to eat themselves? When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn? When you're sending someone styrofoam, what do you pack it in? Who invented accents? Who tows the tow trucks when they break down? Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11? Why are cabs from the Yellow Cab Company usually not yellow? Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes? Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii? Why are they called 'stands' when they're made for sitting? Why aren't there bullet-proof pants? Why do airlines call flights nonstop? Won't they all stop eventually? Why do bars advertise live bands? What does a dead band sound like? Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing? Why do people who only eat natural foods drink decaffeinated coffee? Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together? Why do they report power outages on TV? Why do they sell a pound cake that only weighs 12 ounces? Why do 'tug'boats push their barges? Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways? Why do we have hot water heaters? Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays? Why do we put suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase? Why do we sing 'Take me out to the ball game', when we are already there? Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?     Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing? Why does bottled water have an expiration date? Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing? Why don't you ever see baby pigions? Why is it called a "building" when it is already built? Why is it called 'after dark', when it is really after light? Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo? Why is it when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open it's not adoor? Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same? Why is my lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but my dishwashing liquid contains real lemons? Why is Mickey Mouse bigger than his dog Pluto?    Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? Why is the word "abbreviate" so long? Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream? Why is there only ONE Monopolies Commission? Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards? Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds? Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"? You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance? Have ex-bankers become disinterested? Have ex-civil lawyers been distorted? Have ex-locomotive engineers been derailed? Have ex-mathematicians become dysfunctional? Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have? Does the reverse side also have a reverse side? If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into? Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut? War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left. Can you be a closet claustrophobic? Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift? What will they do when they discover and an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants? What's another word for thesaurus? If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them? Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets? How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes? Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one? Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives? How does a thermos know when to keep something hot, hot... and something cold, cold? What is the speed of dark? How come you never hear about gruntled employees? When sign makers go on strike, where do they get their picket signs? Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"? How can there be self-help groups? Why does your nose run and your feet smell?